4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
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me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏