4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Real House Wines.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.