Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Home is where your toilet is.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Smells like a challenge to me

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

is this a warning or an offer?

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…