@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

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@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@aniceburrito

You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals