Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List
You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals