When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours