4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
how it started vs how it ended
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night