Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team