4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology