4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Who.
Did.
This?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film