4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
😭😭😭😭
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Jesus steals the winter solstice