Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

Customer is always right

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill