Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

When you put it that way… 😂

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?