Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES