Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind