4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…