4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
You Might Also Like
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…