Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

No Google it does not

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt