Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

I’ve disappointed better people.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*