Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.