4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
me opening up to someone
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot