Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

can I use a minion as a tampon

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.