Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

want me to check your oil?

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold