Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

spicy snake

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”