Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Never let them know your next move 😂

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out