Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.