4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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My boss called in sick of me
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair