4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.