4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
You Might Also Like
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
me after eating Cheetos
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”