Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.