4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
we’re dead?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes