4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I occasionally drink every single night.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.