4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.