4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Worlds greatest photobomb
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.