4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Canadian owl: Eh?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*