Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

When I face a minor setback

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

The opposite of Iceland is water water

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.