Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

This kinda thing happens to me often

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.