4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…