4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
