4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]