@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

You Might Also Like

@ilovepie84

Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?

I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.

@iwearaonesie

8: ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on

@LMHPhotog

Duckling means “little duck”.

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.

@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@LaLa_Lyds

Husband said he didn’t like how something looked so I told him to stop looking at it. Marriage is easy

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

@theshamingofjay

Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.