4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

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Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?

I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.


8: ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on


Duckling means “little duck”.

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.


Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.


Husband said he didn’t like how something looked so I told him to stop looking at it. Marriage is easy


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.


Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.


“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”


I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning


Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.