4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
You Might Also Like
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Thursday
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall