4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work