4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
You Might Also Like
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My dream car is a taco truck.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
me when i see my girls butt
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.