4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
new wife guy just dropped
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.