Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

nyc:

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

The pasta is now

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.