Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”