Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick