4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
the noise i just made
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”