Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog ate my work from home.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.