Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Made something I’m not proud of