4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know