4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
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tourist season
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’