4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“what that mouth do?” complain
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.