4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*