4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
it be like that
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!