Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME