Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

My Plans 2020

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail