4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”