4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
This forever.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything