Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫