Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?