Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

*orders delivery*

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”