Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching