Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

that lip filler tho

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Namaste

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

his wife is probably gonna see that

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.