4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
fourth time’s the charm
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
pizza
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done