4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Hoping to spice up my evening
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor