4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Who knew!
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No