4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
