4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
This is a genius move
Best mom ever 😂
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
He a real one for that
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas