4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Milk Cube
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.