Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

mom had nothing to worry about

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment