Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

The cashier just checked me out.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.