Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Dammit Chief not again

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.