Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

!!!!!!!!!!!

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band