Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”